My father’s pens

My fathers pens: my favourite is Pilot Birdie
Vintage Pilot Birdie

Достала из закромов и перебрала папины ручки – забрала их из Хабаровска в 2015 вместе с его же органайзером. Все были опознаны с помощью тематических форумов и аукционов, перьевые – промыты и заправлены.

Чем не способ отметить дату и “почтить память” без истерик, религиозной херни и мракобесия?

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lack of grief

Snow and Ice

7 years ago my father died after a second bout of cancer.

From time to time the question of dealing with death, living with grief comes up – usually, after someone experiences loss of their own. I get asked how I’ve dealt with grief, how I lived through it, and my honest answer “I didn’t” baffles everyone.

Most assume I simply wasn’t there, so wasn’t severely impacted – that easily could have been true, as my father lived in Khabarovsk and I live in St.Petersburg since 2003 – but this wasn’t the case. I was there.

I went to Khabarovsk in late 2014 to take stock of the situation, visit doctors with him, prepare documents for future estate management if prognosis would be bad. Prognosis was bad – there were no treatments left to try, my father’s health was rapidly deteriorating.
I went back to St.Petersburg to deal with my own life in preparation for putting everything on hold for my return to Khabarovsk, this time with trip duration completely unknown, and then came back once again, to stay till the end. I stayed a month, administered painkillers, spoon-fed my father, walked his dog, waited and watched him slip into oblivion. I was there for 4 days during which I cleaned up his apartment by myself – tossing everything unusable, packing everything worth preserving to be hauled away. Then I was there for the funeral preparation and the sombre event itself. I was there.

But… Then I came back to St.Petersburg and it’s like this distance – all those 7000km between cities – exists in my mind too.

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My father’s planner

Vintage Korean planner

15 февраля, после годичной борьбы с вернувшимся раком, скончался мой отец. После его смерти мне предстоит распорядится его наследством: недвижимость, земля, библиотека, коллекции… Разнообразные хобби и увлечения моего отца, впрочем, успешно разделялись его детьми – так что новые владельцы для многих вещей очевидны сразу. Мой брат вернется в Москву с рыболовными принадлежностями и книгами по теме, другой брат подхватит дачу, мне предстоит организовать перевоз библиотеки и пластинок в Питер, но это дело будущего, а пока я снова в Петербурге после почти месячного отсутствия – и я смогла захватить с собой только семейный архив (для последующей оцифровки) и папин органайзер.

Это самый первый органайзер на кольцах, который мне попался на глаза и уже в детстве он мне безумно нравился возможностью менять порядок листов, добавлять новые…

On 15 of February, after a year long fight with returned cancer, my father died. After his death I’ll have to manage his estate, but some things were easy to find new owners for, as me and my brothers share some of my father’s passions. So one of my brothers will return to Moscow with dad’s fishing gear, another will maintain our dacha, and somewhere in future I’ll have to transport my father’s library to St. Petersburg… but right now I’m back after a month long stint in Khabarovsk, and only things I could take with me were my father’s side of the family archive (to digitize and preserve) and his trusted ringed-organizer.

It’s the first ringed-organizer I’ve ever layed my eyes on – and I have some fond memories of lusting after it. The possibility of switching up content as needed really appealed to me even as a kid.

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